here and now

My hair is getting long again. Unruly. My nails are also gaining length. This means I’ve not used my hands to garden or build. Those two things are staples and I do miss them. But there will be time for that again. I assume so, anyhow. 

I’ve gained a few pounds since summer. We’ve moved into less movement and more baking (shows). I’ll shed them again when I’m back to manual labor outdoors and garden meals. It’s the way I normally do. I’d rather just enjoy the season to its fullest than dabble. I’m pretty all or nothing. 

The kids want a dog. Can’t blame them. It’s been a little while now. I’m not up for any more upkeep but they swear they’ll cover the bases. We’ll see, I suppose. Hopefully adoption. I hate to see so many critters without homes. Many living things looking for homes and families. I have to take into account cats and chickens so we will need to be prudent in our choice. Mostly I’ve been haphazard, thus my Kevin Bacon story (an indoor not so small pig that caused a big commotion). The hubby is best left to decisions that require forethought.  

My attic is halfway cleared out and has been for months now. I’m intimidated by it. So many things to sort through and I’m already doing much soul sorting. I’ll finish it, though, even if it’s by spring. 

I’m writing a lot. Guess I’ll keep on until the well dries up. Then I’m not sure what I’ll do. Probably fetch water somewhere else. Can’t imagine losing my voice again. Four years was a long stint to be muted. I’m also back to freelance work. A creative outlet that pays and builds my portfolio. I do love writing and design and I’m thankful to marry the two. 

There are 3 birthdays next month. Plus holiday everything. December is an extraordinary month here. It usually drags me by the leash. I’m hoping I can keep pace. I know it’s coming every year but I seem to be taken off guard regardless. 

Anxiety is high for me right now. It’s an unwelcome presence yet I know it’s simply trying to help me and keep me safe. I wish my body would listen to my brain. My brain is working very hard. My body will hopefully catch on. 

There will forever be tensions and open ends but I believe how I respond to them is what makes way for joy in the midst. I do understand that ideals are mostly fantasy. Sure, there’s always room for better this or more of that, but I’m simply attempting to practice a measure of contentment in the present. It’s not my strong suit, but I can’t wish for a better moment while not missing the one I’m in. More my battle is the pulling into now from days past. Practicing presence is a huge theme for me right now. One day at a time for this visionary who longs for heaven on earth. The truth is, manna falls every day from heaven to earth, and it’s only enough sustenance for one day. That’s heaven’s design. Who am I to despise that? 

Maybe I’ll cut my hair. Or leave it be. Or head to the gym. Or bake cookies. Or get a dog, or wait a bit longer. Maybe I’ll break my nails on a big project in the cold of winter. Who knows. Long as I’m all in, whatever I choose.